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Arden Raine is an ex-theatrical making sense of life through many lenses.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Oaths are funny things

So as I posted previously I made an oath to Odin to create in 2013. Whether new life or creations from my own hands.
I spoke of my sadness in choosing responsibility and not having another child.
I spoke of 2014 being about balance.
Then last Friday (1/13/14) my world turned upside down.
I found out we were pregnant. Conceived on the Winter Solstice. I completely kept my oath.
Then three days in a state of constant emotional rollercoaster.
Then on the end of the afternoon on Monday, today,bleeding.
All the heartache and soul searching, panic driven search for healthcare and matrimonial bonding/comforting of the last few days to end most probably in miscarriage.
It has only been an hour since I noticed the bleeding. The cramping I have, more of an all over abdominal squeezing, could simply be my distress.
If I had not tested I'd not have known as I am still within my estimated menstration cycle.
I spoke only to a few people about this pregnancy. Mostly in connection to obligations previously accepted in which a pregnancy might be a an issue. And a few to help me hold it together on Friday until I could tell my husband.
It wasn't a mystery when we conceived. But it should have been impossible. Factoring being 40, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and my mense cycle I had less than a 5% chance of being fertile at all.
Do what is the lesson in this experience? For now a state if shock and preparation for the loss.
Hey there might still be a chance this pregnancy is still viable about the same percentage as its conception.
How do I balance all the emotion? How do I process this event? This will be my 6th miscarriage. Four losses in my twenties (I never got confirmed of pregnancy but my experience with my birthing and the first loss after having our child make me 100% sure of them.) and a fifth week miscarriage when my kidlet was 14 months old.
The strangest part was how desperately I wanted to be excited about the pregnancy. Unlike with our kidlet, in which we planned and spent four months attempting to create the life, I was more upset and frightened over the last few days.
I tried looking up names and clothes and car seats. I inventoried our hold out paraphernalia from the kidlet's earlier days. I tried to find anyway to feel the giddy joy I had expected.
Now as I linger between pregnancy and natural abortion I feel numb and sad and nauseous.
My husband too is unsure how to feel. We spoke a lot since Friday afternoon about all aspects of our feelings. We very, very rarely do that.
So for now. I will let this post sit as nature takes it course and all family members are told. No one needs to find out about such things this way.
And IF I remain pregnant this post will be posted after everyone knows.
I just needed to write or scream. And I appreciate your indulgence in allowing me to process here.


 This pregnancy was definitely not like the others. A six week nightmare of two strips forward five steps back. 

The end results after multiple blood work ups and ultrasounds was a diagnosis of blighted ovum and missed miscarriage.

 Surgical removal of the gestational sac on one of the worst days of my life, see my post on Fat Tuesday from last year, followed the next day by a car crash which totalled our vehicle but left my husband and my self shaken not stirred.

I've pondered and questioned the why's and what for's and though I found some answers I am not yet ready to share them. 

I shared the load though by being open via Facebook about my condition. What I experienced was mostly support and love and I am eternally grateful. I was called out for being selfish and forcing my 'drama' on others via social media. I was told that none of my heartache would've happened if Jesus was my personal savior. Those morons are no longer part of my life.

And strangely I found myself seeing a need for a safe place to talk about loss. Losses of pregnancy, losses of faith, and so many other kinds of loss left unmourned.

Am I less right now than I was prior to December 21st 2013? In ways very much so but I have also gained during this period of life! I've gained a deeper understanding of the love my husband and I share, a gentler way of dealing with myself, a more grateful outlook on my life and all the family I am blessed with, and a stronger acceptance of who and where I am at this time in my life.

So I thank you all for your love, support, patience and understanding as this final oath was played out.

May the balance gained be well worth the hardships and loss.

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