When the Universe wants my attention it usually sends clue by fours in patterns of three.
A week or so ago I felt a nudge to chat with all of you regarding self and how we can build our selfhood on a foundation of love or we can build our selfhood on a slope, overlooking a cliff, standing by a breakwater filled with sharks, rusty nails and glass shards.
I have been balanced over that very cliff for a few months.
The loss if the pregnancy and subsequent car accident has turned my admittedly weak selfhood foundation to jello on a plate of quick sand.
I've known that for a month or so and had been dragging my feet not doing something about shoring up the old gal and digging a french drain.
#1. I was on the Facebook page of Curvy Girl Lingerie: https://m.facebook.com/CurvyGirlInc and I saw a book called "Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls On Life, Love & Fashion" (by Virgie Tovar). What followed was a few hour long trip down the rabbit hole of Kindle reading and a new found desire to integrate more of a self love into my daily existence.
I ordered a few titles via my local libraries and had a brief discussion about my choices with a friend.
Titles I currently have out:
1. "beautiful you" by Rosie Molinary
2. "The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide To Exercise" by Hanne Blank
3. "Angry Fat Girls" by Frances Kuffel
#2 The very next day this article at Huffington Post via the blog Bridgette Tales by Bridgette White: http://bridgettetales.com/2014/07/14/exposed-by-my-children-for-what-i-really-look-like/
I cried for about two hours after seeing the photo and reading the piece.
I am a fat mom who's ashamed of my body and hides all but my face. I saw the photo and thought my god that's me.
But I am fat but relatively healthy. I've been having blood sugar scare lately. My fasting rates were very low 66 and under. For a few days my after food testing never went higher than 75. But since I am tracking I see I am low a lot but reach acceptable highs in the normative range.
So I am reading body positive literature and making a plan to make sure I stay healthy. I've read for years, blogs by amazing body positive folks like:
Jenni Chui at Mommy Nani Boo
Kim Rullo at Mother Blue
Jes Baker at The Militant Baker
And I have been attempting to build a scaffold to start my own reconstruction project when today (#3) the Universe dropped this last hint that it was time to get going into my news feed:
Amoret's words hit me like a nail gun.
Here I am beginning to turn the stone wheel of my own creation and the reminder to be kind to myself as I am now hits me in the face.
No one has mocked my body or mind but myself. All the self love work in the world will fail if my inner dialogue is based on shaming and disgust.
I am so very awash in synchroncity today. I get it Universe!!!!
This fat woman is okay with the curves of her hips and the full roundness of her stretch marked breasts. I am going to wear sleeveless tees and stop hating my arms. I am doing the necessary hard work of silencing my inner busy body.
I am hoping to be able to smash the fun house mirrors I wrote about here:
And live happy inside this skin. I am raising my fist in solidarity! My "Tiny No" is to my own inner voice.
Thank you ladies for the shots in the arm.