Synchroncity

When the Universe wants my attention it usually sends clue by fours in patterns of three.

A week or so ago I felt a nudge to chat with all of you regarding self and how we can build our selfhood on a foundation of love or we can build our selfhood on a slope, overlooking a cliff, standing by a breakwater filled with sharks, rusty nails and glass shards.

I have been balanced over that very cliff for a few months.

The loss if the pregnancy and subsequent car accident has turned my admittedly weak selfhood foundation to jello on a plate of quick sand.

I've known that for a month or so and had been dragging my feet not doing something about shoring up the old gal and digging a french drain.

#1. I was on the Facebook page of Curvy Girl Lingerie:  https://m.facebook.com/CurvyGirlInc and I saw a book called "Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls On Life, Love & Fashion" (by Virgie Tovar). What followed was a few hour long trip down the rabbit hole of Kindle reading and a new found desire to integrate more of a self love into my daily existence.

I ordered a few titles via my local libraries and had a brief discussion about my choices with a friend.
Titles I currently have out:
1. "beautiful you" by Rosie Molinary
2. "The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide To Exercise" by Hanne Blank
3. "Angry Fat Girls" by Frances Kuffel

#2 The very next day this article at Huffington Post via the blog Bridgette Tales by Bridgette White: http://bridgettetales.com/2014/07/14/exposed-by-my-children-for-what-i-really-look-like/

I cried for about two hours after seeing the photo and reading the piece.

I am a fat mom who's ashamed of my body and hides all but my face. I saw the photo and thought my god that's me.

But I am fat but relatively healthy. I've been having blood sugar scare lately. My fasting rates were very low 66 and under. For a few days my after food testing never went higher than 75. But since I am tracking I see I am low a lot but reach acceptable highs in the normative range.

So I am reading body positive literature and making a plan to make sure I stay healthy. I've read for years, blogs by amazing body positive folks like:

Jenni Chui at Mommy Nani Boo
Mommynanibooboo.com

And

Kim Rullo at Mother Blue
motherblue.wordpress.com

And

Jes Baker at The Militant Baker
themilitantbaker.com

And I have been attempting to build a scaffold to start my own reconstruction project when today (#3) the Universe dropped this last hint that it was time to get going into my news feed:

http://sirenafire.com/embers/blog/

Amoret's words hit me like a nail gun.

Here I am beginning to turn the stone wheel of my own creation and the reminder to be kind to myself as I am now hits me in the face.

No one has mocked my body or mind but myself. All the self love work in the world will fail if my inner dialogue is based on shaming and disgust.

I am so very awash in synchroncity today. I get it Universe!!!!

This fat woman is okay with the curves of her hips and the full roundness of her stretch marked breasts. I am going to wear sleeveless tees and stop hating my arms. I am doing the necessary hard work of silencing my inner busy body.

I am hoping to be able to smash the fun house mirrors I wrote about here:
http://drolleryandpathos.blogspot.com/2013/05/a-big-thank-you-to-militant-baker.html?m=1

And live happy inside this skin. I am raising my fist in solidarity!  My "Tiny No" is to my own inner voice.

Thank you ladies for the shots in the arm.

A big Thank you to The Militant Baker

I was given a gift yesterday. A good friend shared a post on Facebook leading me to an amazing woman.

I was lead to the blog of The Militant Baker. This lovely lady blew my mind.

Her post from March rocked me to my core.

Read it here: http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html?m=1

Now dearies I am a big woman. I have struggled with lots of variables that have created this form. Starvation, under active thyroid, poly cystic ovaries, depression, poor eating and exercise habits, under eating, dieting and I could go on.

My body image is so skewed that when I was 125 of solid muscle and a tiny size 4, I thought I was a monster.
I regularly see myself as hideous. I have always avoided mirrors and photographs. Who wants to be reminded they are ugly right?

But it's not true. I see old photos shared by college friends on Facebook and frequently I am so shocked to see a lovely woman that it takes a second look to realize it's me.

I read Jes' blog and saw a gorgeous woman. I agreed with her 10 things. Yet I immediately thought wow I would never look that good again. I am too big/old/scarred.

Then the comments hit me. You see we are the same size. I see her as beautiful but myself as repulsive.

I never have seen myself as beautiful not in high school, college, my wedding day, not pregnant. But thankfully I was given one brief moment of true sight.

After my kidlet was born, like 9 hours after birth, I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was that shock of un-recognition. There was this radiantly beautiful creature looking back at me and holy fuck it IS me!

But all too soon the wacky wiring in my head twisted my perceptions once again.

I once was told I look like Kim Kardshian. After I looked up who the hell she was I was all: 'dude nice to taunt the fat chick-you asshole' and dismissed him.

I ALWAYS dismiss compliments. I NEVER believe anyone (husband included) that I am attractive. I am not phishing for more compliments with my denials. I just can't accept the idea that anyone might really find me attractive.

I am NOT coy.

I did at one time laud my big chest because I 'just knew' that's all I had going for me.

How sad is that? I sure as hell do not want to pass along my fun house, seriously broken-brained, body image to my kidlet.

I work to be healthier. I lost 50lbs last year. Yep I was knocking on 300lbs. And I was super proud. I cut my Type 2 risk by 10%. But the loose skin and the not losing a clothes size as what fits looks like full body camel toe due to the landslide of flesh just devastated me. How freaking cruel. I lose an ass ton of weight but look awful. I am stuck in clothes now sizes too big. I now swim in textile where once I was encased in fat. I gave into the fun house and declared who cares you're old and fat and ugly and been with your man 20 years.

But IT'S A LIE. At now 264 I am just as strong as I was chucking over a ton of boxes, several times a day, 6 days a week. I am man strong. I can lift and move marble and mahogany sinks without assistance. I did that. I can embrace my strength, I can revel my quick mind, but accepting that my body is beautiful is harder than childbirth.

It has taken a young baker/blogger/model/mental health professional to open the door of the fun house and awaken in me a drive to shatter all my false images of myself.

Thank you. Thank you for clubbing into my noggin: truth.

Thank you  Jes for dragging me away from my narcissistic love affair with twistedness and illusion.

Now which of my glorious friends will take me shopping? I need an honest, brutal, loving hand. I want someone who will assist me to see in the mirror correctly and help me reclaim my Goddesshood! Any of my drag queen friends free? You know more about femininity and what not to wear and fierceness that all the Joan Rivers of this world combined.

I must retrain my brain. And I will learn to see what so many of my loved ones see: the actual me.

And I am so not a number on a scale!